literature

The dangers of the 'Narcissist' label - Part 1

Deviation Actions

Spaztique's avatar
By
Published:
2.8K Views

Literature Text

The Dangers of the "Narcissist" Label

By Spaztique


Table of Contents:

Part 1:
    I. Introduction
        A. Where this essay came from.
        B. An overview of the nine traits of narcissism.
    II. The Nine (easily confused) Traits of a "Narcissist"
        A. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
        B. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
        C. Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
        D. Needing constant admiration from others
        E. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
Part 2:
        F. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
        G. Unwilling to empathize with others' feelings, wishes, or needs
        H. Intensely envious of others and the belief that others are equally envious of them
        I. Pompous and arrogant demeanor
    III. Afterword
        A. To recap...
        B. So, what should I do if somebody tries to convince me somebody is a narcissist?
        C. In conclusion...

I. Introduction


Where this essay came from.


I've been meaning to make this post for a while (as you can tell by this status post), but something happened to day to help push me over the edge to finally write it.

If you pay attention to my status posts, Walfas community news, or the general Walfas community rumor mill, you've probably heard I've been having trouble with a group of individuals who've been going out of their way to convince everyone that I am a "narcissistic hypocrite who never listens to anyone and is paranoid and obsessed with [somebody who's been long gone from the Walfas community for over 3+ years now]." Now, most of you who know me how much I love people (to a fault, which is the biggest complaint I get about how I'm always a people pleaser and tend to forgo my own needs too much for others, even if those people hate me). Yet, how could these people come to these conclusions?

Today (March 15, as of writing), I spoke at a support group (partly for myself since I'm trying to figure out my own issues, such as being too much of a people pleaser as I said), and after sharing some of my ideas for how to overcome anger and addiction (two things I've never struggled with), I was thanked for my ideas, but I had to remind them that they came from other people and that some of my biggest fears are being seen as "too prideful" or "a narcissist." But their response was, "Dude, you are NOT a narcissist: a narcissist only cares about themselves, and you clearly show a lot of compassion for other people." It reminded me that I never get as much judgement when I do public speaking or writing elsewhere: it seems to only be among certain individuals in the Walfas community and smaller areas of the Touhou community, and it's almost always the same peer groups. (And God knows they're going to somehow think this post is about them, even though I've had this post brewing for a while for reasons they would never comprehend: that psychology is my own personal interest and I do this to help others.)

I honestly think the only reason people call me (or anyone) a narcissist as a way to get people to stop listening. As psychology writer Jon Ronson once put it, once we put a label on somebody, we tend to filter everything they say and do through that label. So, if somebody gets labeled a narcissist, everything gets filtered through that label:
  • "The only reason they're helping others is because they get an ego boost because they're a narcissist." Even if the person is only helping others out of the goodness of their heart.
  • "The only reason they like public speaking is because they love getting showered with attention because they're a narcissist." Even if the person just loves spreading ideas and teaching others to make their lives better (or at least to entertain and brighten up their days).
  • "The only reason they care about their reputation is because they don't want to face the fact they're not Jesus because they're a narcissist." Even if the person is at the center of a smear campaign and feels emotionally pummeled. You can listen to Ronson talk about how devastating this can be in one of his TED talks here.

But here's the truth about labeling somebody a narcissist: there's no point because only the person knows their own intentions, NOT US. If somebody labels somebody else a narcissist, we have to remember that's just their opinion: once we label somebody and believe in that label, we're prone to the same prejudice above. (Note: Want to see this in action? Just wait for any comments that tell me that I only wrote this post because I'm "full of myself" or whatever. Is it because I really am "full of myself," or do you think it's more likely they prejudged me as that?)

There's also the fact that even if you label somebody a narcissist, it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong: nothing good will come from "confronting" the so-called "narcissist." If you're wrong, you're going to emotionally abuse somebody who's already likely suffering emotional problems as it is. If you're right, the narcissist won't listen and do everything they can to fight back (something I've been researching for my Sociopath Paradox project with Imaginary Friends Research Group). Either way, once you label somebody as a narcissist, you've already screwed over your relationship with them (and if they really are a narcissist, everyone connected with them).

This essay has been written for three kinds of people:

  • Anyone who's been labelled a narcissist, even though you know how much you care for others, empathize with others, learn from your mistakes, and that you're a good person deep down. This will help you come to terms with real narcissism vs. a cheap label people use to ostracize you.
  • Anyone who's accidentally labeled somebody who is seemingly-selfish-but-well-meaning as a narcissist. Use this guide to reflect back on your actions and whether or not it was a good idea to do so.
  • Community leaders who'd like to learn what a narcissist really is and what it is not, to make better decisions in the future.


So, let's go down the list of how people can be misconstrued as a narcissist.

An overview of the nine traits of narcissism.

The following comes from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition, or as it's known to us psychology junkies, the DSM-5. The previously mentioned Ronson is critical of the DSM, as are many psychologists, since the DSM tends to oversimplify psychology (you can read all about it in Gary Greenberg's The Book of Woe), but I still think the DSM has its use when combined with proper psychoanalysis. I only think the DSM becomes a problem when we check off symptoms like a checklist, because many of the symptoms you're about to see can easily be misconstrued for something else.

The following are the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and a diagnosis requires only about 3-4:

  1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others
  2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
  3. Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions
  4. Needing constant admiration from others
  5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
  6. Exploitative of others to achieve personal gain
  7. Unwilling to empathize with others' feelings, wishes, or needs
  8. Intensely envious of others and the belief that others are equally envious of them
  9. Pompous and arrogant demeanor

Now, under this list, we (both laypeople and psychologists) can probably diagnose virtually anyone with Narcissistic Personality disorder because there have been times when we've felt entitled to superior treatment, fantasized about having power, wanted admiration, and so on. However, what truly separates a real narcissist from somebody who can be labeled one, but isn't?

Let's go down the list one by one, shall we?

1. Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from others


There have been times in our lives when we've felt prideful or accomplished and expected others to be proud or respectful of us. However, there are several problems with this:
  • We know of our accomplishments more than others know of ours. It's easy to be proud of ourselves, but not so much for others.
  • Even in cases where we have rank over others, respect comes on a personal level through friendship and reciprocity, not merely a title. This is how mutinies happen: when enough people ask, "Why should you be in charge?"
  • Some of us tend to hide behind our accomplishments or pride, hoping that if we're successful enough, people will respect us, but the truth is, as I said before, it's more about how you relate as a person. In fact, being too successful actually scares people off and makes people more scared of you. (Trust me. I know this all too well.)

People can be grandiose and expect superior treatment when they forget not everyone sees them as they see themselves. This is why we warn people not to be too prideful: not because we "look down" on others, but because we forget to be empathetic to those around us. It's our little way of saying, "Hey! Why aren't you proud of me?!" It's really a cry for acceptance, to be noticed, to be loved by others.

But an actual narcissist isn't concerned with the acceptance or love of others: they're only concerned with being showered with praise because they want others to see them as they see themselves. It's not about connection with others, but for the external world to validate them as much as they validate themselves.

To reiterate:
A non-narcissist will act grandiose and expect superior treatment simply because they're unaware of how people perceive them; they're not aware other people are not aware of the reasons they're prideful.
A narcissist will act grandiose and expect superior treatment because they cannot empathize with others at all: they don't give a damn how other people think, only as long as they praise them.
How can you tell the difference between the two? YOU CAN'T. Unless you're a mind-reader, you don't (and can't) know the person's intentions.

This is the classic difference between egocentrism vs. narcissism: two different reasons people are self-centered. The reality is we're all a little egocentric, because that's how we protect ourselves, but narcissism is egocentricity at a maximum. The key difference between egocentricity and narcissism is the egocentricity is done out of ignorance, and narcissism is done out of arrogance. This beautiful infographic states that every narcissist is egocentric, but not every egocentric person is a narcissist. Here are the myriad differences summed up:

  • An egocentric person has little empathy for others because they're just not aware: they have a hard time stepping into the shoes of others. A narcissist just doesn't care: the needs of others matter as much to them as a termite to an elephant.
  • An egocentric person thinks everyone is similar to themselves, and therefore will probably like the same stuff. A narcissist sees them as obstacles and tools; if they disagree, they must either be converted or destroyed.
  • An egocentric person has the ability to think about the needs of others. A narcissist just plain doesn't feel anything for others, even if they know what they're thinking.
  • An egocentric person doesn't feel entitled to much, but they just assume others will be interested in them and their needs/desires. A narcissist's main trait is their intense sense of entitlement.
  • An egocentric person wants validation from others so they can feel "normal": so others can validate them as being "accepted" or "one of the group." A narcissist wants their external validation to match their overblown internal validation: to prove that they are "special" and "unique," unlike everyone else.
  • Egocentric people often have a selfish exterior and a kind interior. Narcissists often have a kind exterior and a selfish interior.
  • Egocentric people are harmless: they just want others to accept them the way they accept themselves. Narcissists aren't: they believe others must accept them or they are "in their way."


As we'll cover throughout the rest of this essay, it is important to know the difference between a narcissist and somebody who is merely self-centered. The main precipitating factor of a narcissist isn't being self-centered, ambitious, pompous, or an inflated ego, but rather an intense sense of entitlement that the world owes them admiration and adoration. From that sense of entitlement flows the ambition, the ego, and the self-centeredness, contrary to the egocentric person. An egocentric person thinks they're awesome and therefore is likely capable of doing great things, but doesn't feel entitled when they fail; they just think, "Huh. I coulda sworn I was better than that." It's the classic Dunning-Kruger effect: we believe we're better at the things we're bad at than we think because we don't know we're bad at them. Egocentric people aren't entitled to anything other than a second chance because they "know" they can do better next time. A narcissist, on the other hand, does not: they blame everyone and everything else for "getting in their way."

So, if you've ever expected others to be as proud of you as you are of yourself, then according to the criteria above, you qualify as a "narcissist."

2. Fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.


This sentence alone can describe "The American Dream": starting from nothing, odds against you, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps to create the life of your own design and choosing. We're told to shoot for the stars, dream big, never give up, buy the best, earn the most, and be all you can be. Even in Japan, the Japanese spirit isn't too far off: to persist to uphold your values, dreams, and goals. I'm sure you've probably seen enough anime where the hero is told to hold their ideals and follow their dreams, and it's even the main plot of Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core, with its protagonist realizing just how hard (but important) it is to hold to one's ideals.

We all fantasize about wanting to be better. As a writer, surrounded by writers, we love imagining we'll end up writing a story that'll be praised by all. We imagine our creative works will be adored by fans, risking rejection all the way through the creation process. And it's not just creative works, but really everything: we dream of that dream job, the right romantic partner, the ideal life. Writer Harold Ramis tells a story about how when he jogged, he'd pretend he was an Olympic runner to give him more motivation. Then, when shooting Caddyshack, he told Bill Murray to do a scene where his underachieving greens-keeper was playing golf and pretending like he was playing in some big game. Murray said, "Say no more. I got this," and proceeded to improvise the scene on the spot, hitting flowers instead of balls. It's considered a classic scene for many reasons: Murray's goofy delivery while destroying the country club's flowers, the fact that the stoner greens-keeper is fantasizing he's a great golfer, but most importantly, we laugh because we can all relate to it: who of us hasn't done something roughly the same? We laugh at the scene, but we also laugh with the scene because to fantasize about wanting better is human.

There's also the matter of how we share our goals that can get us labeled as a "narcissist." Narcissists regularly talk about their goals, but never follow through, but normal people also talk about their goals and never follow through. We've all been there: we tell everyone about our big ambitions, and then months pass and they're still not done. We postpone our homework and term papers until the very last minute, pounding caffeine to just barely make the deadline. We make New Year's Resolutions, and then give up two weeks later. However, narcissists also underestimate their own abilities; more so because they don't see themselves as having any weaknesses. So, how can we tell the difference? Well, there's multiple differences:
  • Normal people tend to always second-guess themselves and are flooded with self-doubt and fear. Narcissists, by their nature, roughly never second-guess themselves, because to have any flaws is heresy to a narcissist.
  • Normal people fail mostly because of a lack of knowledge. Narcissists fail mostly because they cannot learn from mistakes and try the same strategies they think work over and over again. The only time they will learn is if it's to gain an advantage over other people.
  • Normal people share their goals and ambitions as ways of relating to others, exciting others, and asking for help and advice. Narcissists do it only to show off their genius.

And the worst part of all this? YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE! All these are inside the minds of the people. Unless you're a mindreader, you can't tell the difference between somebody who's sharing their ambitions because their ambitions excite them, or somebody who shares their ambitions to "show off." And even then, are they showing off because they want approval, or because they see themselves as high and mighty? The honest answer is you don't know.

So, if you've ever had big dreams or ambitions, fantasized about them, and shared them with others, you may qualify as a narcissist.


3. Self-perception of being unique, superior and associated with high-status people and institutions


In the self-help genre, a constant human need is the need to feel unique, to stand out from the crowd. Way back in the 1930s, Dale Carnegie called this a "feeling of importance," and how you gained that importance determined your character. Integrative performance psychology speaker Anthony Robbins framed it as one of six dichotomous needs: significance (to feel important and unique) vs. love (to feel connected with others, to feel one with the group). We all want to feel like our lives matter, like we have something unique to add and contribute to society.

As for being associated with high-status people or institutions, here's another problem that I've personally encountered many times: the difference between respecting one's heroes, worshiping one's heroes, and identifying with one's heroes.
  • When we respect our heroes, we mainly admire the things they're good at, but we treat their flaws as human errors. This is the ideal: we can respect people for being really good at things, but we must never forget they are still human and prone to mistakes, anger, sadness, and so on. The same can apply to the people we detest: even though they did wrong, they only did so because they were human. (Keep this in mind for later, because this hints at one of the only real signs of narcissism...)
  • When we worship our heroes, we admire their good qualities, but then we ignore all of their negative traits, justifying their mistakes and emotional outbursts. These are the fanboys who make the people they admire look bad (and, of course, look like narcissists who "control their fans"). Inversely, when we condemn people (which is pretty much the point I'm making by writing this post), we totally ignore all of their good qualities and write them off as "manipulative tactics." (Again, keep this in mind...)
  • But then there's identifying with our heroes. When we respect our heroes, we want to emulate their best traits, but with this, we go a step further and say we're the next (insert name here). But then comes the problem of the intention, which is (once again) something we can't know unless we're mind-readers: does the person identify with their hero because they admire their hero and want to follow in their footsteps? Or is because they think of themselves as so good that they are the next best thing to their hero?

Let's say somebody is a big fan of Stephen King. If they said, "Stephen King is one of my biggest influences," does that mean they respect, worship, or identify with Stephen King? If you were regularly told, "That person is a narcissist," which would you pick? If you're like most people, you'd say, "This guy probably thinks they're the next Stephen King." But the true answer is you don't know.

Now let's say they said, "I think of myself as the next Stephen King." This seems pretty direct, but why are they saying this? Is it their way of gaining self-confidence because they really want to follow in Stephen King's shoes? Or do they really see themselves as high and mighty? Again, you don't know: you're not a mind-reader. Maybe they really just want to be the next Stephen King and they practice writing everyday, hoping to eventually realize their dream (see Point 2). Or maybe they really are full of themselves. But only the person thinking these things know their own true intentions.

So, if you've ever looked up to somebody else and thought, "I want to do what they do!," then you may qualify as a narcissist.


4. Needing constant admiration from others


I find it rather odd how people tell others who are amidst facing losing friends, "Stop caring about your reputation!," and yet they'll totally freak out if they lose friends of their own in the same (or even lesser) circumstances. It's as if you're not supposed to care about people gossiping about you, stabbing you in the back, and so on; especially if you grew up being regularly ostracized by others or not having many friends to begin with. The truth is, all of us want acceptance and avoid being ostracized; however, according to the crowd that labels as people "narcissistic," anyone who has this basic human need is a "narcissist."

People who know me know I love public speaking, but why? To me, it's like a rock concert with the voice alone: you get to share your knowledge to other people to help make their lives easier, see their faces light up, you get to make them laugh, sometimes you can move them to tears, but in the end, you do it for the audience. That's my take on it. But how do some people see me? They think I just do it to be "showered with admiration." But how do they "know" this? The truth is you can never know somebody's intentions for doing something like public speaking. It can be said of all public figures, musicians, actors, anyone: we'll never know why they do it. It's why there are so many public figures who shy away from the public: they're afraid of being judged as "attention whores" and "only wanting the admiration of others." But here's the truth: people who work in the public eye don't do it for the eyes of the public, but simply because it's a job requirement. Voice actors and some writers can hide behind anonymity, but if you need to lend your voice or your appearance, you must be in the public eye. Again, it's not always for admiration: it's just a requirement.

I cannot emphasize this enough: we can never, NEVER know why somebody does something "admirable." My philosophy is that fame and praise are a side-effect of success: if you do enough good for enough people, the fame and praise pour out from that, whether you want it or not. It's why so many artists who've worked alone eventually cracked under public pressure; that, or they try to minimize public appearances as much as possible. Look at the musician Sia: she's a talented singer, but she suffers from crippling social anxiety. She's basically a live-action version of Chihaya from Idolmaster: she does it for the music, not for the fame or recognition. Actor/comedian Jim Carrey had a passion for acting and reveled in the public spotlight, but his philosophy was it was merely an outpouring of his action, and that not many people consider the pressures of success. My favorite quote of his is, "I wish everyone could become famous, just so they could realize it's not what they want."

We could say a narcissist only wants admiration, but is this really true? Actually, this is still a stretch, because there are socially-awkward-but-well-meaning people who think admiration is the key to social success. I was once one of these people (and I see now it's quite the opposite), and I know many people like this, who think, "If I could just become famous, then everyone would like me!" This is the myth of "star power," and I've already written a lengthy ebook on why it doesn't work. If you've ever played the game Undertale, then you know what this looks like: Papyrus is a well-meaning-but-buffoonish sentry who dreams of being part of the Royal Guard, thinking it will give him fame and recognition. Throughout the game, Papyrus is caste in a selfish light, but as it goes on, you begin to see that Papyrus only wants to be in the Royal Guard because he wants friends. You see, admiration isn't always the end-goal: often, people see admiration as a means to other goals like friends, acceptance, or even safety and security, self-esteem, adventure, and so on.

A narcissist only does what they do because admiration for admiration's sake is the end-goal. If a normal person gives up on their goal, it's because they don't want to be ostracized, picked on, hated, left out, or seen as "different." However, a narcissist will only give up on a goal if they think it won't make them different, if it won't make them "stand out," if it won't earn them fame and admiration. Narcissists want what's known as a "narcissistic supply": a way to earn them praise, fame, and admiration dependably and efficiently, whether it be through manipulating others, being the best in their field, having a reputation, and so on. If somebody or something threatens that end-goal, they go into what's known as a "narcissistic rage" and do everything they can to destroy, discredit, and outright stalk whoever cut off their narcissistic supply. To them, admiration is like oxygen, and to cut off admiration is like literally killing them.

Now here comes the problem, what I call "The Sociopath Paradox": the efforts to fight a sociopath look exactly like the sociopath's behavior themselves. And this is what makes a narcissist so easily able to convince others you are a "narcissist."
  • If somebody warns you, "This person is trying to stop my success!," do they really mean it because the other person is trying to spread rumors about them? Or are they lying because they're in a narcissistic rage because the other person cut off their narcissistic supply?
  • If somebody quits their creative project and goes, "It's just not worth making anymore," do they say it because they got discouraged and gave up? Or did they stop because they didn't think it would give them adequate admiration?
  • If somebody is a passionate public performer and revels in the roar of the crowd, do they do it because of the thrill of public performance, the risk of failure, and the vicarious enjoyment of the public? Or just because they enjoy having people's eyes on them, reveling in their admiration and praise?

But the truth is YOU CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY'RE THINKING. You're not a mind-reader, so to pass judgement on why somebody does what they do is just, well, judgemental.

So, if you've ever done anything that could earn you admiration from others, or simply wanted to be admired by others, you may qualify as a "narcissist."


5. Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others


If there's a single characteristic of narcissism that's been well-studied by psychologists, it's the sense of entitlement that makes a narcissist what they are. If you look up scientific journals on narcissism, many measure entitlement as the precipitating factor for narcissism: this feeling that the world must see them as "special," "unique," "different." Technically, we all want to be seen as unique and different in some way: it's the "feeling of importance" I talked about in Point 3. However, a true narcissist has this to a far, FAR bigger degree, and from this, out pours the rest of the behavior: the entitlement to feel grandiose, the entitlement to have others be proud of them, the entitlement to control others, the entitlement to be proud and pompous.

But what about us normal folks who get confused for narcissists? The folks who aren't entitled to the level a narcissist is?

I've covered plenty of this in the first point, but I'd like to add the following in regards to "obedience from others": at jobs or in any field where we can be given rank over others, we tend to think a rank is enough for others to listen to us, but it's not. One of my favorite leadership writers John C. Maxwell said that there are five levels of Leadership:
  1. People follow because you have the rank.
  2. People follow because you're a good person.
  3. People follow because you help get things done.
  4. People follow because you help make the lives of the team better.
  5. People follow because you help others make the lives of their teams better.

If you've ever started an online group or had a group project where you're in a ranked position, but you don't have any leadership training, then you're going to automatically assume people are going to listen because you're the "admin" or the "project leader" or whatever. But that's not how leadership works: it's the one who has the most influence and can empower people towards the team's goal who's the real leader. If somebody doesn't know jack squat about leadership, they paint leadership as Level 1 (by rank), and then tell others, "Oh, they're just throwing around words like 'teamwork' and 'leadership' because they're cheap buzzwords! The truth is they're a 'narcissist' who's only interested in power!" But the reality is people only follow those who are friendly to others (Level 2), help get things done (Level 3), make lives better (Level 4), and help others climb that leadership levels (Level 5).

Since 2012, I've been devouring leadership literature, and virtually every book warns about putting "rank" over being a relatable, trustworthy human. There are many horror stories of workplace bullying and they threaten their companies, and the top thing employees want are a boss who is human. I've also studied the people who seem to dislike leadership, and their view almost always reflects the outpouring of the dark side of Level 1 Leadership: as a mean to "control."

There's also the idea of influence vs. control. When I tell people I study influence, it seems to raise red flags from people who don't understand what influence really is. Allow me to make several distinctions:

  • Influence means sharing your point of view in a way others can understand, but it doesn't mean they're going to necessarily agree with it. Control means directly changing somebody else's point of view, even if it means lying or coercion.
  • Influence means you can steer others' decisions by clearly wording how you see it could benefit them, but it doesn't mean they'll go through with what you say. Control means you cut off their ability to take action, even if it means lying or blocking out their true choices.
  • Influence means that if it doesn't work, at least the other person has a better understanding of your viewpoint. Control means that if it doesn't work, the other person will become fearful from the fact you were caught lying, bending information, and coercing them to do something that may be considered unethical or to their detriment.
  • Influence is cooperative: it's all about two parties coming to an understanding. Control is one-sided and parasitic: one side benefits while the other ends up being used.

Let's say I was a salesman and I wanted you to buy a car. Influence would mean I would look for what you wanted, and then find the right fit for your needs. If you wanted gas efficiency, I'd show you the gas-efficient cars, hybrids, and electric models. Then I'd ask what'd be your next biggest feature: if you say comfort, I'd show you to the luxury cars. So, we reach a luxury hybrid, but it's out of your price range. Now, I personally know you'd benefit from this car, and I know that with your income that a payment plan would be easy, but from your perspective, a payment plan is too risky. So far, the influence was easy, but now comes a tough one because there's serious ethical concerns: I want to help you, as a customer, but at the same time, I can't pressure you into doing something you don't want; that would be "control." We could discuss financing, budgeting, cutting expenses to save up for the car, loan options, whatever would be the best fit for you. In the end, you'll either say no and walk away knowing that there are car salesmen who are willing to help you find options, or you'll say yes and we both benefit: I get the commission for selling the car, you get the car you desired.

Inversely, let's look at how not to do this: let's say you visit a shady used car salesman. We'll cover manipulation in the next point, but here's unethical "influence" in action: first, they talk about how nobody else has deals like they do (exclusivity is a common marketing tactic) and how their sales will end at the end of the week, even though they always have weekly sales (time pressuring, another marketing tactic; anyone who's seen Steam Sales knows this). You walk in, ask for a gas-efficient car, but they don't lead you to the car you want, but the car they want you to buy, telling you it's gas-efficient. They tell you there are no other car shops in town with a car like this, and this is the best car you'll find, and immediately talk about how "time is running out" and "there's nothing else out there" (covering up other options). This is not true "influence": this is just creative lying, skewing the "truth" until you can no longer see that you have other choices.

We'll cover this more in-depth in the next topic, but for now, even that's still not enough info to go by: some sales people only go with the tactics their managers tell them to use, others really think they do have the best deals in towns, and others just don't do the research on their products. The only thing that sets a real narcissist apart from an awkward person is whether or not they're doing it deliberately, and the sad truth is (once again), you DON'T KNOW unless you're a mind-reader!

So, if you've ever assumed that rank or prestige puts you "in charge" of something, or that you had more influence than you really did, you may qualify as a "narcissist."


Continued in Part 2...

© 2017 - 2024 Spaztique
Comments4
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
CalypsoDeCousteau's avatar

I like this journal, it's very thought-provoking, I guess the word "NARCISSIST" has a different meaning for me and I'd like to add on that for me to classify or ASSUME someone is a narcissist or has NPD (and I believe I've met a GOOD number on here on this site), is this and this is from personal experience growing up under the authority and dependence of a clearly narcissistic parent.


Here are my 10 Key Traits of an individual suffering from NPD


#1 Discouragement: at the same time of putting you down, they uplift themselves to a higher position than you. Underneath a parent like this, breeds an individual who doubts herself constantly and may lead to her people-pleasing and overall just an absolutely fucking PAINFUL adulthood.


#2 Criticism: They can criticize you, but you cannot or even DARE to criticize them.


#3 Humorless: They put on an air of superiority and pretend to get triggered by the most menial of things and if they get offended, they'll DEMAND an apology from you. I don't ever give it to them. Especially not online. It's best to IGNORE them and NEVER apologize. Best recourse in my opinion. Look to big companies as this is their biggest tactic to use which in turn, protects them as no response means that nothing can be used against them. Project Veritas grilling the FDA and Covid-19 vaccine controversy is a good example. Nothing humorous about it, just giving an example that in not saying anything, not responding, CANNOT BE HELD AGAINST YOU. Bad example is Vic Mignogna who APOLOGIZED when there was no need for him to do so. And guess what? THAT apology letter was later on used AGAINST HIM as the narcissists TWISTED it.


#4 Gaslighting: Have you ever been gaslit before? I have, it's where "crazy-making" happens. Named after the 1944 film "Gaslight."


"Don't worry about her. She's extremely sick. I have her on pills. Haha tells me she sees the gas lamp go on in the attic and is convinced someone is up there from time to time. I assure you, this poor woman is seeing and hearing things."


When SHE'S NOT. She's SANE and the narcissist KNOWS THIS. They are usually the ones doing it. Example: I leave the house to hang out with friends, turn my light off to my room, narcissistic father comes into my room, turns on light, and leaves a toxic letter saying I left the light on as well as many things. Don't ever accuse or confront a narcissist about being gaslighted by them, as it can and will be used be against you.


#5 False Praises: The narcissist will praise you in front of others because you being their daughter/girlfriend, it makes THEM feel good. Alone, they criticize and judge your interests or hobbies.


#6 Charismatic: This person OOZES charisma and draws people to them. Don't be envious of this. I USED to be envious of narcissistic father's charisma. I don't anymore...It's all FAKE.


#7 ABUSE/emotional/physical and even spiritual: These people FEED off of you and your negative emotions which they usually are the ones who inflict on you, i.e "Narcissistic supply." No one can convince me that these individuals are NOT demoniacs. If demons exist, then they are generational curses that latch themselves onto individuals usually from alcoholic/substance abuse. They REVEL in your misery. If that's not DEMONIC, I don't know what is!


#8 Codependency: Usually with a narcissistic spouse or parent to keep you under their control, they will never try to help you achieve independence from them...Though they'll pretend to.


#9 Shit-talk: The narcissist I guarantee you will shit-talk you behind your back. They'll LIE about it too. If you shit-talk them behind their back and it gets back to them, godforbid that! And if they find out, they'll happily throw that in your face while lying that they'd never do the same.


#10 Skewed Reality: The narcissist has convinced himself that he is the HERO of the story. Think Eric Cartman from South Park and of course, Gaston from Beauty and the Beast (my narcissistic POS' favorite aside from Shrek). Whatever they do or say, is JUSTIFIED to the means in the end no matter how cruel it is.


Yes, narcissism is much more than just inflated ego. It's something that goes much more deep. Hope this helps others.