[OUTDATED] Guide To Social Skills: Part 2 (Skills)

III. Core Techniques: How to speak to people.

The Base Skills/Principles: Listening and responding.

Notice: Do NOT skip the first part of this guide! If you skip the first part, you will have no idea how to apply the below techniques. If you don't have the right mindset for this, it will never matter how much you master the below techniques because you'll have no idea where to apply them. First develop that mindset of empathy, and then continue.

MORE IMPORTANT NOTICE: The following below is an ultra-slow-mo play-by-play of how conversations work. In execution, this all goes by much, much more quickly. Do not get paralyzed by these long and complicated procedures, because they're only microscopic parts of conversation. Just as you don't notice time, rhythm, meter, scale, or chords in music, you don't notice all of these concepts in natural conversation: they're there, but executed with such elegance and grace that they go by unnoticed, and anyone who violates them comes off as rude.

Listening does not simply mean, "Hearing." Any jerk can nod along and say, "Yes. I see. Is that right? Interesting," and then eventually reach a point where they have to say, "I was listening, but I wasn't paying attention." I'm sorry, but listening is paying attention.

To listen means doing the following:
-Letting the other person speak.
-Actively hearing complete messages, and if the other speaker says something vague, asking for clarification. This also means rephrasing what the speaker said to show you understood.
-Understanding empathetically that the speaker is speaking from a specific point of view: everyone is just trying to survive based on how they understand the world to work, and this person is no different.
-Understanding that different people have different opinions from you, also based on how they view the world to work.
-Looking for "congruence," or match, between the message and how it is being said. If somebody's voice, body language, and facial expressions do not fit with the words, it is incongruent and there's a chance it's a false message or the speaker is inexperienced. If the speaker's voice, body, and message are aligned, it's usually a sincere message. If you're bad at giving congruent messages or it feels like nobody believes you, understand what goes into a message: about 70% of the message depends on body language, about 20% of the message is in your tone of voice, and less than 10% of the message is in your actual words. How you say something is more important than how you word it: a mismatch of words and delivery is the source of sarcasm, jokes that rely on verbal irony, and easy-to-spot lying.  

In a nutshell, listening is hearing somebody speak a message from a specific point of view while checking for sarcasm or obvious lying.

Body Language Basics: This is a text guide, so it will be hard to illustrate body language, but it works like this: like letters to words, each gesture a person has builds up to a body language "cluster." Here are the letters (and remember: some people are bad at body language, too, so don't depend on this chart as the definitive authority):
-Eyebrows: The more furrowed/scrunched the eyebrows, the greater the emotional tension. Neutral, relaxed eyebrows mean less tension, but too relaxed can lead to emotionally depressed territory.
-Eye Lids: Wide open eyes can mean alertness. Droopy eyes could either mean sleepiness, drunkenness, relaxedness, or sadness: any sort of physically depressed (in the literal sense of the word) state.
-Eye Focus: If a person's eyes are focused on you, that's a sign of interest. If they're occasionally twitch in a direction between sentences, that's just involuntary twitching and that's normal (some theories say there's a way to tell what the person is thinking by what direction the eyes twitch to, but they are unconfirmed). If the eyes are seriously trailing off to other things, the other person has lost interest and is looking for more interesting things. If the person is looking down, that's a classic sign of shyness and they're probably just listening with their ears (especially if their ears are tilted towards you). Remember: eye contact is not a universal sign of listening, and in some cultures, it is considered rude. Since most of you are living in a society that depends on eye contact, give the other person eye contact: make a game out of noticing people's eye colors, and if you want to remember people's names, note down people's names AND eye colors.
-Mouth: A relaxed smile is a sign the other person is content. A tight smile is a forced smile, and depending on how tight it is, it can be just a polite smile (not very tight: the person isn't content, but they're in a good-enough mood to smile with effort) or a seriously fake smile (extremely tight, often when the person is in a horrible mood, but needs to smile for one reason or another). A neutral mouth can be a sign of either boredom or general anxiety. Frowns can be a sign of anger or determination: basically, the person is steamed about something in a good or bad way.
-Shoulders: Think of them as a nervousness dip stick: the higher and more tense they are, the more anxiety, and the lower they are, the more physically or emotionally depressed. If they're relaxed in a neutral position, the person should be generally relaxed, too.
-Arms/Knees: Crossed arms/knees are a sign of the person protecting himself from an uncomfortable situation: it can be from the cold, but it can also be from crowds of people or some phobia. Open arms show no fear or uncomfortably with the present situation. If the person has their arms and knees crossed, they are usually seriously uncomfortable. Next time you go to class, observe how many people have their arms and knees crossed. (Fun fact: it's harder to listen to people in this position, so unless you want to miss some vital information in class, don't do this position.)
-Feet: The closer the feet are together, the more nervous the person is. The wider the feet stance, the more comfortable the person is.
-Walking Style: Small steps, quick steps, and rushing are all signs of nervousness. Large strides, slow steps, and going at a lively or leisurely pace are a sign of confidence.
-Voice: Signs of nervousness include fast speed (trying to get words out before being interrupted), stuttering/tripping over words (trying to speak before thinking in fear of being interrupted), being too quiet or too loud (afraid of interrupting the other person, who should interrupt you for being too loud or too quiet, respectively), and having a general fear of being interrupted. Signs of confident speaking include pauses (to think of what to say and give time to others who want to speak), clear enunciation (so the other person can hear), optimal volume (speaking just loud enough for the other person to hear), and not fearing being interrupted. Nervous people tend to want to talk more, while confident people tend to want to listen more.
-Speaking Distance: Although this varies from culture to culture, the basic idea is that the closer the relationship, the closer you may be to the person when speaking. Sometimes you'll be sandwiched together on a crowded bus or classroom, but this mainly accounts for when you are allowed to be at a distance from people.

A Warning About People Who Never Let You Speak: If you're with a socially healthy person, you won't have to worry about "waiting for your turn to speak," because they'll eventually ask you questions or for your input. If you're with a socially starved person, do not be surprised if they constantly, constantly talk about themselves or topics that interest only them. These people have disempowering beliefs like, "People must be interested in me before I'm interested in them," or, "You must be interesting to be liked." On one hand, it's easy to gain their appreciation because they will never stop talking about their topics of interest. On the other hand, they don't care about you other than the fact you're a good listener, and if you don't listen, then, "You're just like the rest of them: everyone's against me," and they tend to cast you off. To these people, you have no life or needs: you are simply their emotional outlet. As a result, these people can drain you emotionally, but please understand these people still need understanding/appreciation: especially since their tactics towards getting it are driving people off. Listen for as long as you can, but when you're done, at least let them know you have your own things to deal with and you're running out of time to talk to them (which is often always the case: we have limited time to talk to others or work on other things).

The Basics of Responding are outlined by Dr. John Gottman in The Relationship Cure, known as "emotional bids," and they're quite simple to grasp: every time somebody speaks to you outside of a business transaction, it is a bid for emotional connection, i.e. they want to understand and be understood. You can accept the bid by acknowledging it and responding to it (which builds relationships), you can ignore the bid and say nothing connected to the bidder's bid (which slowly destroys relationships), or you can reject the bid and outright attack the bidder or the bidder's bid (which destroys the relationship as quickly as the size of the rejection). I made an illustrated comic explaining all of the concepts here: fav.me/d5lvmcc In a nutshell, if relationships were a video game, accepting bids increases your health, rejecting/ignoring decreases your health, and when you run out of health, the game/relationship is over. Luckily, you can start over by apologizing, understanding the other person's hurt feelings, and making up. Naturally, you have to eventually reject a bid in order to end a conversation, and as long as you have enough accepted bids, you can get away with a few accidental ignored bids or minor rejected bids.

That's really all there is too it: listen to the message, then respond in a matter that accepts the speaker's delivery. Then you speak and they respond, and the bids go back and forth like a tennis match until it's time to put down the rackets and either go home or play with somebody else.

Now, onto how this applies to conversations:

B. Conversational Skills: The Hunt For Free Information

Building on these basics, these are the two most common things you can respond to in order to build conversations:

Free Information: A topic brought up indirectly by one of the speakers. If somebody is talking about they got into Touhou from their anime club, the speaker's anime club is a hotbed for discussion: does anyone else in the club play Touhou? How did they hear about it? What kind of stuff do they watch? There's a number of things you can learn about the speaker, the subject, or yourself by exploring free information.
Key Strategy for Free Information: Ask about the topic and dig deeper into it: especially if it's a topic that truly interests you, then you'll eventually be asked to give your own thoughts on the subject.

Iceberg Statements: Implied statements that could use greater clarification, which can be used to explore a subject more deeply or gain better understand of the speaker. Often, these statements are coupled with feelings, like, "I'm so excited about X," or, "I wish I could X," and so on. Very similar to free information, except it's more in the tone and delivery than the actual topic.
Key Strategy for Iceberg Statements: Ask for clarification and dig deeper into the subject. If it's a hot button topic that really interests the speaker, then chances are it'll be easy for them to talk about and they'll probably ask you a bazillion questions or opinions on it as well.

These are the easiest sources for figuring out somebody else, but sometimes you need to spark people into bringing up these statements. That's where the Open-Ended Question comes in:

Close-Ended Question: To contrast with the more effective open-ended questions, a close-ended question has a definite answer, usually starting with a what, where, when, who, or are you, did you, or similar. For example, "What is your favorite color?," "Where do you like to go on vacation?," "What's your sign?," and, "Are you okay?" A skilled conversationalist will follow these up with why's and how's, but remember: skilled conversationalists are rare. Most of the time, conversations will stop dead in their tracks if you ask a close-ended question with no follow-up.

Open-Ended Question: A question that requires the other person to dig out a deeper answer, usually starting with a why, how, or any form of opinion. For example, "Why did you decide to become an animator?," or, "How did you arrive at that opinion?," or, "What was your favorite thing about that movie?" Open-Ended Questions get out more information and are filled to the brim with Free Information and Iceberg Statements. In fact, today's Pick-Up Artists actually frown on "pick up lines" in favor of open-ended questions because they provide more information about people while displaying more confidence than any "pick up line" could ever do. If these people can use open-ended questions in crowded/noisy nightclubs to win crowds of people, imagine what they can do for you in polite conversation.

A Digression On Pickup Artists: In my five-year study on social skills, I studied the Pick-Up Artists, mostly thanks to the autobiographical novel by Neil Strauss, The Game, wherein the central theme is that romance will not solve your problems: only you can, with the ending chapter beautifully stating, "The only way to win the game is to leave it." The Pick-Up Artist community as a whole is mostly a community about social skills marketed to single guys. Most of the time, the end-goal of a Pick-Up "school" is to get guys to realize that...

A. Romance is not the answer to solving life's problems.
B. Only you are responsible for your own happiness.
C. If you simply knew how to deal with your life better, you wouldn't have to worry about romance in the first place.

However, they hook in desperate single guys with the promise of more women, charging upwards from $500 for eBooks and DVDs, and the prices grow even more ridiculous for live coaching, and the only purpose of the live coaching is to force guys to realize, "Hey, maybe talking to people isn't as hard as you think."

I never signed up for a pick-up school, I never bought a pick-up eBook or DVD, but one night, to test my social skills back when I was still learning (and about the time I was done with romance altogether), I wanted to use everything I learned on a club. I didn't just go to any normal club: I went to one of those ritzy neon-blue lounges, dressed in only my normal street clothes (to Austinites, it was Pure Ultra Lounge on Sixth Street). In less than an hour, using open-ended questions and being genuinely interested in other people, I became the centerpiece of two bachelorette parties, I made friends with some regular guys looking for women (and teaching them a thing or two), got to have an extended talk with a sober couple (which are often harder to talk to than drunkards), and I got free sodas at the bar after getting friendly with the bartender. I felt like "the man" after that: not because I had worked a club, but because I realized talking to people was infinitely easier than I expected. I expected to crash and burn and I'd make jokes about it later, but I didn't: without having to pay $500 or $5000, I realized first-hand that most people are friendly if you know how to talk to them.

Initiating Conversations - Intro: The secret of any good conversationalist is making the first move, regardless of how good you are at communicating. By making the first move at all, you are showing interest in the other person. For you shy types, here's a from The Confidence Course I do my best to live by: "Put the other person at ease, and you'll be at ease, too." If you put the other person at ease, they'll respond in kind, but you'll occasionally stumble onto jerks. The only problem is you can't tell the jerks from the nice people until you speak. If you encounter a jerk (and you won't know until they openly berate you), break off the initiation unless you absolutely must speak to that person. If you're dealing with nice people, it's much, much easier. In either case, if you absolutely know the person, regardless of whether or not you have met, you will be armed with a perfect opening statement. The faster you initiate, the more likely people will respond positively to you. If you hang around and never say anything, then it becomes strange for you to suddenly speak, so when you get the first opportunity to make an introduction, make it. This is commonly known as the "Three Second Rule": within the first three seconds you have the chance to make an introduction, make the introduction.

Initiating Conversations with One Person: If it's a person who's not speaking to anyone, a simple greeting will do. The power of, "How's it going?," or, "What's up?," is potent because it's both a greeting and a potentially open-ended question (though, shy types will give brief answers). Other ways to start conversations other than open-ended questions include sincere compliments, positive/lighthearted comments, or simply introducing yourself.

Initiating Conversations with Nice People: If you followed the previous steps, the other person will try to answer your opening statement with the appropriate response. Then, it's simply a matter of digging deeper and responding appropriately.

Initiating Conversation with Jerks: If you followed the previous steps and the person rejects you, then just break off contact and look for somebody else to talk to. If you absolutely must speak with a jerk, at least get the other person's perspective: maybe they're so scared/bored of others that they'll outright reject people at first contact, or perhaps they have outrageous rules or standards to live up to. The former group is easier to handle because if you talk to them in a way that says, "I understand how you feel." It's the classic, "I know we don't see eye to eye on this," conversation start. For example, if you get stuck in a group project with a cold person, simply asking, "What can I do to make working with me easier?," will work. Usually, they'll give you an explanation of why they don't trust people, why they don't trust you, or some backwards personal rule you violated. In that case, get the other person's point of view, use the upcoming clarifying techniques to dig deeper, and show that person you are on their side. If that doesn't work, and the other person says, "Nothing, because you suck," that person's clearly a jerk and you shouldn't have to take their insults seriously. In fact, it'd do little harm to ask, "Why do I suck?," to get a better answer and perhaps steer the conversation towards understanding the other person, but if they continue blocking you, or worse, attacking you, back the hell away: preferably in the direction of an authority figure who can do something. I have a saying: whoever throws the last punch loses. What this means is that if somebody attacks you, either physically or verbally (often with a racial/social slur), that person is in the wrong and can be reported to somebody with no problem. If you strike back physically or verbally, you are in the wrong, even if you are justified, and you will get in trouble. I have gotten in trouble many times for seeking justice, and I have gotten other people in trouble for letting them say or do the wrong thing in the wrong place at the right time. A reminder: do not treat everyone like jerks, or it will offend the nice people. The only way to find out if somebody is a jerk is how they respond.

Initiating Conversations With Groups: From a safe talking distance, listen in on the conversation and find something that interests you. Bring up an open-ended question, compliment, or observation when you get the chance, see if the group responds, and if they do, ask if you can join them and/or introduce yourself. Don't bulldoze their topic and ask them to talk about your topic: that would be ignoring/rejecting their previous bids to each other. The best thing about group conversations is that they already have a topic going and other people are digging for information for you. If the group has a jerk, play to the nice people and see if you can disarm the jerk: if you can't, the other nice people may eventually disarm the jerk. If it's a group of jerks, which are only common in school, move on: they're going to jail or the morgue one day, anyway, and they are non-existent in the adult world.

Initiating Conversations With People You Know: Sometimes you'll know that one guy who's "around" you, but you never seem to talk to: you know everything about them, but you just never talk to them. You can ease into talking to them like you're approaching a stranger (except maybe adding, "I see you a lot, but I never got the chance/time/nerve to talk to you."), only pointing out compliments are much easier.

The Ease of Information - Topics in increasing difficulties: Immediate observations are the easiest thing to talk about because neither speaking party's personal well-being is at stake. This includes stuff like the weather (to the point where in Japanese, it is much more polite to ask, "How's the weather?," than the more direct, "How are you?"), the place you're meeting at (like a class, job, or club), or anything that doesn't include opinions or feelings. Fact-based personal info is slightly more difficult: you reveal what you do and who you are, and if you're dealing with a jerk or somebody socially awkward, they may feel hesitant to continue unless you can get the person to understand you still understand them. Feelings and opinions are more difficult, especially when you introduce strong feelings or opinions, so be sure you only bring up light opinions and feelings with friends and only bring up strong opinions/feelings with your closest friends: preferably in a place separate from people who could object. After that comes the closest secrets you only reveal to the people you absolutely trust. All of these topics become easier and easier to talk about with the more you get to know the other person, and it's not instantaneous or progressive: it's like leveling up in an RPG, and you gain the ability to talk about these things with that one person or, if you're 100% sure you're on same terms with a group, a group.

The Ease of Information - An Example: It is easier to talk about the weather than how you think the weather will turn: you could be wrong about your observation, or the other person could object. It is easier to talk about your opinion on how the weather will turn than the fact you really like cloudy days: the other person may like sunny days. It is easier to tell people you like cloudy days than saying that the shapes of clouds are either proof that a creative God exists to delight people or that patterns of nature disprove the existence of God: the other person could share greatly different theological beliefs than you.

A Warning About Withholding Information: Many socially inept people fear being judged, and they have one belief that will keep them from making any social progress: they believe that if others find out who they are, they'll be rejected, and therefore never reveal themselves, and THIS WILL DESTROY YOUR ABILITY TO FORM RELATIONSHIPS!!! To form a relationship, you must accept emotional bids, and many of those bids involve revealing your hobbies, opinions, likes, and dislikes, and to constantly reject others by withholding information leads to the disillusionment of relationships. I'm not saying you should openly dish out your deepest, darkest secrets, but nobody really cares if you like anime or what anime you watch, that you're conservative or liberal, that you like or dislike sports, or whatever. If people ask you about your life, just tell them: they're asking because they want to get closer to you, and if you reject them, you're pushing them away. Remember that the world is full of loving, accepting people. If somebody judges you for something, they're not worth being friends with anyway, but 99% of the time, people will accept you for who you are.

How to avoid an awkward conversation: Sometimes, the other person will bring up information that violates the previously-mentioned order of topics, either because they think they're closer to you than they think or because they are mindless and only want to get what they want off their minds. For the wide range of topics people can talk about, like ex's, offensive topics, bad requests, or wildly varying opinions, your main tactic is to politely divert the subject. First, listen to what the other person wants to accomplish by bringing up the subject and why, then, using this information, tell the other person, in one way or another, "I don't want to talk about this subject because X." It could be too much information, you feel uncomfortable, it goes against your beliefs, but get your point across. If the person seriously wants to talk about it and doesn't give you a choice, at least see things from the speaker's point of view: one key to listening is understanding how the other person thinks and feels. In fact, sometimes you have to have an awkward conversation, because sweeping big topics under the rug may lead to the dissolution of a relationship. If it's really a topic that can't be ignored, ignoring the other person or rejecting the person, as previously described, will deplete your "health" and eventually result in a "game over."

Ending a conversation: Eventually, you must reject the other person and end the conversation, because we can't talk to other people all of the time: we at least need sleep. Get to the end of a topic or as close to the end of a topic where the other person feels understood, wrap up your thoughts, mention it's about time to finish up and/or that you enjoyed the chat (leave on a good note if possible: point out the best point if you're short for something), possibly determine a next time to speak, and say goodbye.

Then, just repeat the previous steps for all future conversations: initiate, listen, respond, repeat, end the conversation, wait until you meet again, and initiate again.

Now onto one of the more important tools for both listening and responding: the ability to figure out what people are saying with Clarification Skills.


C. Clarification Skills

If there's one thing you need to understand about people, the most important thing to remember as that each person has their own "model" of how the world works. They all believe that the world operates under their rules, and most of the time, even when they're empathetic of others, they completely forget that we don't understand what they mean. This is where clarification skills come in: to figure out what the other person is saying without having to assume anything and say the wrong thing.

The following examples are examples come from Matthew McKay's Messages, which is adapted from Bandler and Grinder's meta-model from The Structure of Magic, but these concepts stretch across many schools of psychology:

Understanding A Model - For when the other person can be misunderstood.
-Deletions: When the person automatically thinks you understand the entire situation, like, "This is unbelievable!" It would be rude to say, "I know, right?," or, "No, it isn't," because you don't know what's unbelievable. Instead, you ask, "What's unbelievable?" When somebody "deletes" the subject, you ask for the subject.
-Vague Verbs: When the person automatically assumes you understand the context of the situation, like, "He made me leave that meeting!" A "how" is usually good here, like asking, "How did he make you leave?," or, "What did he make you do?"
-Nominalizations: When some nouns or examples are left out. For example, "It's just not fun anymore." Even if you figure out the deletion, you still have to ask, "What was fun about it?," and/or, "Why isn't it fun anymore?"

Challenging Limits of a Model - For when the person has black and white thinking.
-Absolutes: The use of phrases like always or never, like, "He's always late." To challenge an absolute, ask, "Was there ever a time _____?," like, "Was there ever a time when he was on time?" Or, "I've never been good at speaking," and you'd ask, "Has there ever been a situation where you were good at speaking?"
-Imposed Limits: When somebody doesn't bring up a why to their limit. For example, "I can't talk to people." You'd ask, "What makes talking to people so difficult?"
-Imposed Values: When the person has a strong black-or-white opinion on something, but assumes you understand. For example, "That political party is stupid!" Rather than asking for why's, you can ask the person to acknowledge that other people have opinions, like asking, "Who else thinks that political party is stupid?" Don't ask in a way that will spark and argument, but if the conversation is going nowhere and this idea is seriously hurting the person, go ahead and let them confront their own opinions.

Challenging Distortions of a Model - For when the person has an unhealthy way of thinking.
-Cause and Effect Errors: Applying emotions to a person or thing that would otherwise not cause it. For example, "He infuriates me." Even if you find out who it is, you'd have to ask, "What is he doing to infuriate you?"
-Mind Reading: Reading the minds of other people, like, "That person hates me." Look for some kind of evidence, like, "How do you know that person hate you?"
-Presuppositions: If-then statements without supporting evidence, like, "If I could only finish the project, everyone would like me." Look for the reasoning, like asking, "Why would people start liking you if you finish the project?," or, "What don't they like about you now?"

More about questions: While questions are useful for figuring out what the other person is saying, you'll eventually have to respond. Not enough questions can make you seem like a know-it-all, but too many questions can feel like an interrogation.

Other Useful Questions:
-If you can't hear them: "Could you repeat that (louder)?"
-If you didn't understand/General clarification: "What do you mean by that?"
-To see if you understood the message: "So you're saying _______?"


Surviving an Argument

In The Art Of War, Sun Tzu's main advice about war is that it's best to not to get into a fight at all, or at least get in a situation where you don't need to fight at all. Many of you know the phrase, "If fighting is to result in victory, then you must fight," from the Team Fortress 2 Soldier Promo, but there's two implications two this phrase: it assumes you're in a situation where you can attain decisive victory, and it completely ignores the fact you're going to destroy the enemy. Even if you win an argument, you'll be on worse terms with the other person.

To quote Dale Carnegie once more, "The only way to win an argument is not to have one." On your end, it is best to choose to not argue: instead, maintain emotional control, listen, and understand the other person's point of view. In fact, admitting fault, even when you're in the right, is a useful tool for at least disarming the other person so they'll back down.

Tactics for surviving an argument: However, there are many situations where you will be stuck in an argument. Here is what you can do to survive.
-Remain calm. No matter what, relax and don't let the other person's emotions affect you. Scientifically, the logical part of your brain shuts down when your emotions get too high and rely on your instincts rather than thoughts and strategies, so you're no better than a cornered animal. Admit your feelings to yourself internally, ask how you can regain control of yourself, maintain your breathing, and keep telling yourself, "I will handle this."
-Remember the basics: Remember concepts of emotional bids, listening, responding to bids, and clarifying skills. You will need them for the argument.
-Listen and understand the other person's point of view. They wouldn't be arguing unless they seriously believed their viewpoint, so understand that viewpoint.
-Downplay your side; especially if the other person is seriously angry. To them, you are seriously wrong, and they will do anything to prove you wrong, so by admitting you are wrong or could be wrong, even if you're seriously in the right, you can lower the person's defenses and eventually come to a mutual understanding.
-Clarify what you mean: Put contrast between misunderstands and what you truly mean, like such phrases as, "I don't mean X. I mean Y."
-Don't lose focus: Don't just argue for the sake of arguing: actually know where you are going. Have an end goal in mind, like, "I want this person to calm down," or, "I want this person to understand I did my best."
-NEVER attack the person; just attack the issue. Arguments don't happen regarding people themselves, but what the people do or believe, yet people seem to attack the person and never the issue. If somebody is always running late, don't bring up how the person was raised, their intelligence, or that they're a loser: just bring up the fact that they are running late and cite examples of lateness and possible solutions.
-If you are going to use your point of view, make it appear logical and factual. Instead of yelling, "THIS IS MY IDEA," cite things that would logically lead to having that idea, like, "Well, if A, B, and C, that's what lead me into believing D." Remember to use facts: opinions can be invalidated, but the facts are always there.
-Never escalate the fight. Don't make it so people can yell louder, don't anger the other person more, don't make people more hostile than they already are. Your job is not to win the argument via war of attrition, but to negotiate a cease fire by having both sides understand each other.

Tactics if you absolutely must win an argument: On rare occasions, you'll be stuck in a situation where you absolutely need to convince somebody something else: not like opinions on things or simple debate, but like your friend wants to stick their hand on a burning stove to "see what all of the fuss is about." If that happens, stick to the previously, concepts, but break the other person's leverage points...
-Understanding the other person's point of view, give examples for and against their argument in a way they would understand. This is why you don't tell a five-year-old to "act like an adult," because they never had your life experience, they don't know the world has rules, and they don't have the understanding you do. Give "for" and "against" points that they can understand.
-Don't come off as a know-it-all: When you're wrong about something, you're usually the last person to figure it out. This is why it's a must that you get the other person's point of view and some educated answers first before you speak.
-Appeal to emotions: In addition to understanding the other person's point of view, don't just blandly cite information by itself: get the person feeling passionate about the facts you've given. If you want to warn them, don't just dryly say, "Well, this stove is burning at a high temperature that will leave third-degree burns." Actually let them know, "It's so freaking hot, your hand will be in scalding pain for weeks: you can't use it, there'll be permanent scars, it's gonna suck." And don't just say, "You'll have free use of your hand if you avoid touching it." Let them know, "I know you like playing games with that hand, you occasionally play two-handed piano, and you're a good arm-wrestler, so if you want to keep doing those things, don't you think it'd be good to keep your hand out of danger?"
-Get social proof: Social proof is when multiple people support something, no matter how ridiculous it is: it's the reason why crap like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey are so popular, because if so many people like it, it has to be good, right? If you can get more than one person on your side to show how strongly your idea is supported, the more social pressure you can put on the person.

When all else fails: Then there are situations where you are being bullied, where the other person completely ignores your emotions or they're actually out to attack you, and the previous tactics just don't work. When this fails, this is when it's better to run.
-Avoid the person: Don't ignore the person, because they'll just chase you down because they actively want to see you suffer. Physically get away from the person.
-Never throw a punch: As I said before, whoever throws the last punch loses. If you throw the first punch and the other person doesn't retaliate, they can turn you into an authority figure and they would be in the right. If you retaliate, they're still in the right. So, how do you win without fighting? Read on...
-Have them throw the first punch... in front of an authority figure: Show you're the better person and let another person break social conduct in front of somebody who has more power. They get in trouble, and you get off scot-free. Bullies use this tactic all the time, so reverse engineer it against them.

With these tools under your belt, you should be able to meet people, talk to people, understand people better, and survive arguments. Now, what do you do when you start gaining a bunch of friends? There's where social circle management comes in.


Managing Social Circles - Keeping up with several people at once.

Unfortunately, we have limited time in the day, so we cannot check up on all of our friends at once. Luckily, if we have a bunch of interconnected friends, i.e. a social circle, we can check on others indirectly.

Requirements of a healthy Social Circle: In order for a social circle to work, you must fit the following requirements:
-You must be trustworthy and have good character. If you're a lying, backstabbing gossip, nobody will trust you with anything they tell you. They'll probably lie or hold back information from you because you're not trustworthy enough. Even if you're concerned somebody else is a lying, backstabbing gossip, it's best for everyone else to find out for themselves, because if you're wrong and tell people somebody is a lying, backstabbing gossip, you will have accidentally lied, stabbed a friend in the back, and gossiped, making you the lying backstabbing gossip.
-Your friends must be trustworthy or have good character. Sometimes one of your friends will be a lying, backstabbing gossip, because people will start acting weird around you/others every time they talk to so-and-so, and so-and-so will always have high-drama stories to tell you about other people whenever you talk. Occasionally, they'll be true, but nobody wanted so say anything because they're too afraid to speak. If you get a consensus and everyone says, "Well, that's kind of right," then it's probably true. If you get a consensus and people say, "That's wrong," or, "So-and-so has been really stirring up drama lately," then so-and-so is a lying, backstabbing gossip and should be exposed for being a lying, backstabbing gossip and then removed from the social circle once nobody wants to socialize with so-and-so anymore. Failing to expose so-and-so will ensure people still talk to so-and-so, and problems will persist. Remember: exposing somebody is not the work of one person alone, but everyone at the exact same time. If you go on a crusade to expose that person, you could be wrong, and you'd be the lying, backstabbing gossip that gets ejected from the group. In the event this happens, admit your mistake to the person you tried exposing and salvage the relationships with the people can you: many of them will no longer believe a word you say, but you still have a few friends left.

What to (ethically) ask a social circle:
-Status: Like, "How's _____ doing?"
-Events: Like, "What's _____ doing?"
-Solutions: Like, "What do you think we should do about _____?"
-Meetings: Like, "Should we talk to ______?," or, "Should we invite ______ to ______?"
-Secondary Opinions: This is a way to also gauge how people view other people's opinions of other people, too. They're questions like, "What do you think ______ would think of this?"

What NOT to ask a social circle:
-Secrets: Never ask for somebody's private info unless it's a life-and-death emergency.
-Loaded Questions: These are questions that imply something about the person, like, "Do you think ______ is hungover?"
-False Questions: Gossip questions to stir up drama, like, "Did you hear ______, the most sober person in the group, is secretly experimenting with drugs?" This may make things "interesting" in the short term, but it will to the destruction of your relationships with other: either the social circle will dissolve or you'll be kicked out for being a lying, backstabbing gossip.

Social circles form when you're actively seeking friends, but what about those situations where you're thrust into being part of or in charge of a large group of people? This is where Leadership skill come in...


Leadership: Socializing with several people at once for a goal.

Whether you want to or not, there will be times when you are either surrounded by a bunch of people or in charge of a bunch of people. This is where Leadership skills come in, which is, at its core, socializing with large groups of people, often for a desired outcome. As I like to put it, leadership is getting people to feel good about doing good things.

How NOT To Lead: Before we can get to how to properly lead people, here is a list of false assumptions about leadership:
-Leadership is NOT a position: We hear about bad bosses and admins all the time, and those are the leaders that either go nowhere or eventually get mutinied out of their position. The best leaders practice what is come to be known as 360 Degree Leadership: although they can give tasks to people down the chain of command, they also cooperate with people down the chain, cooperate with equals, and serve/influence the higher ups in a way that benefits them, effectively giving them influence in any rank or position they have.
-Leadership is NOT a lonely job: If you're "lonely at the top," something is wrong. Nobody likes the "secluded king" kind of boss or admin: they feel impersonal and unapproachable. The best leaders slowly walk through the crowd and meet as many people as they can, understand them, become their friends, and feel like an equal despite their rank.
-Leadership is NOT based on your iron fist: You can threaten people to follow your orders, but this drives people to hate you, and they'll eventually run off or fight back: you are literally driving people into "fight or flight" instincts, which means you stressed people enough to shut down their logic AND emotional centers. Your people shouldn't fear you: they should see you as a personal equal: a collaborator who will work with them on projects together, who will be their friend, and who they can come to for help.
-Leadership is NOT based on "breaking ground": The poor story of Nikolai Tesla and Thomas Edison is a heartbreaking illustration of skill vs. leadership. Nikolai Tesla broke ground with his amazing electrical discoveries, but Thomas Edison knew how to get a bunch of people behind him to exploit Tesla's ideas. Thanks to his leadership ability, Thomas Edison became "the father of modern electricity" and the genius loner Nikolai Tesla became "some dude who science nerds study." Business guru John C. Maxwell calls this concept "The Law of the Lid": your ability for personal success is only as high as your ability to get people behind your ideas, i.e. your ability to lead people. Nikolai Tesla's personal ability was an obvious 10 out of 10, but since his leadership ability was only a 4, he was practically lost to history. Meanwhile, Edison's personal skill was about a 5 or 6, but his leadership ability was an 8 or 9, so he could secure other 8s and 9s around him. You can be a super genius, but unless you can get other people to recognize it, you're no better than the next idiot over.

Leadership Crash Course: With all those myths out of the way, let's establish what leadership actually is.
-Leaders are good with people: To paraphrase John C. Maxwell, if you're a leader and nobody's following, then you're not really leading. It's just like standard socializing, but it's more than just getting to know individuals: it's getting to know giant groups. You should be seen as a social equal, and your rank should tell people, "I may be in charge, but I still need your help." Leaders listen to the people below them, because if the leader doesn't know what the people want, how can that leader know how to lead those people?
-Leaders get people doing their best: Not with whips or threats like, "DO THIS OR DIE," but leaders look for the best strengths in people, bring those strengths out, and get people to use them. They inspire people, motivate people, get people feeling good about doing good, and eventually train a new set of leaders to either lead downward of eventually take over.
-Leaders are self-disciplined: The best leaders are constantly learning and improving, they can keep track of a hundred different things at once, they can figure out what jobs can be done in what order to give them the most amount of time per day, and so on. They never settle for personal laziness: they lead themselves the best out of all of the people they lead.
-Leaders have plans: Whether the goal is, "Finish this project in a month," or, "Get a hundred pledges for this group," or, "Keep perfect group morale," a leader has a goal and ideas of how to accomplish that idea, usually one step at a time.
-Leaders get out of their own way: They understand that likability, as well as group vision, is based on how well you can look beyond yourself. They have few personal agendas for themselves alone: it's almost always for the benefit of other people.
-Leaders are trustworthy: Nobody wants to follow a leader off a cliff, so ethics (doing the right things) and character (your personal behavior and values) play a huge factor. Paranoia, untrustworthiness, and spite do not translate into trust: in fact, it just makes you look more untrustworthy, no matter how realistic your concerns look. If you are paranoid of something, you really don't have to do anything: the people around you from any position will find it out themselves and protect you if they trust you. Focus on leading, not "guarding your position," because leading should guard your position by itself.


All of this information sums up virtually everything I know, but there's more to learning social skills than just reading: they must be practiced as well. The last section contains a bunch of exercises you can use to eventually destroy your shyness for good.


Exercises: Take it one step at a time.

By the time you finish these exercise, I guarantee you will be infinitely more confident around people. Good luck and Godspeed, brothers and sisters!

Exercise 1 - Self Evaluation: If you're confused about how to make yourself "better," write down the following...
1. How people perceive you and why.
2. How you want people to perceive you and why.
3. What negative behaviors you'll have to get rid of and how they're holding you back. List as many as you can until you feel absolutely compelled to get rid of them.
4. What positive behaviors you'll need to adopt and how they'll change your life for the better. Keep listing them until you feel absolutely compelled to adopt them.
5. What can you do to get rid of those bad behaviors and adopt those new ones?
6. Give yourself a due date for when you'll going to make that change.
7. By now, you should have a plan of action for making yourself more confident.

Remember: you don't have to be a "monster" if you don't want to be. You can work at making yourself better just as I have.

Exercise 2 - Limiting Beliefs: If you're thinking, "I can't do this," then do this exercise...
1. The next time you get into a situation where you think, "I can't do this," either log down what you're feeling or thinking.
2. Once you recognize what you're feeling/thinking, log down what's stopping you. Normally, it's a fear of failure, but remember: failure is free feedback, and if you avoid failure, you avoid getting anything done.
3. Understanding what's stopping you, give yourself a good reason or reasons why the previous assumptions aren't true. If you're scared of being rejected, remember that most normal people don't reject others.
4. If you're not feeling empowered to break past the limiting belief yet, motivate yourself: make what you're going to do fun. Treat things like a game: even if you lose, you can usually start again knowing what won't work, and even if you don't, life goes on.
5. Take action. Do the thing you didn't think you could do.

Exercise 3 - From Failure to Feedback: Let's destroy your fear of failure, shall we?
1. Either look at your previous failure or a current failure and ask, "What went wrong?" Usually, a bunch of people will tell you what went wrong immediately.
2. Was the failure context sensitive? In other words, say you wrote an amazing fantasy story, but you showed it to somebody who hates fantasy stories: that's a situation that's much more difficult to pull off than your standard reader.
3. Realize that you're still here and you can avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.
4. If it's a current situation, fix it.

Exercise 4 - Do people really care that much?: If you're worried about how people perceive you, take a day to do this exercise. It's quite the eye-opening...
1. Tomorrow, when you wake up, don't shower, bathe, or dress well. For bonus credit, wear something embarrassing (but still safe for public).
2. Go out to a restaurant (fast food or sit down will do) and note how many people are minding their own business, worrying about how they look (and they're the ones who got ready in the morning).
3. Next, go to a store (book store, clothing store) and get recommendations from staff about something (if it's a book store, pick a topic that could help you accomplish something from exercise 1). For bonus credit, ask a total stranger for recommendations: they'll most likely treat you if you had showed/bathed/dressed that morning.
4. For the coup-de-grace, go to a public place like a park, street, or whatever and strike up a conversation with someone using the previous advice. You'll find all of these people are too busy living their own lives to care about how you look.
5. When the day is over, clean yourself up and realize that people are often too busy worrying about themselves to take time out of their day to make fun of you.

Exercise 5 - Compliment Hunting: Combine with the previous exercise for bonus confidence. The follow exercise takes up to three hours...
1. Go to a public place and give five strangers one sincere compliment in an hour.
2. Go to another public place (or stay at the one you're in) and give another five strangers one sincere compliment in an hour, but then ask a follow-up question about it. You may continue the conversation for a little bit if you wish.
3. Go to one more public place, and you have one hour to do the following: give five strangers one sincere compliment, ask them follow-up questions, and carry on a conversation for at least five minutes each.

Exercise 6 - Body Language: All you need for this one is Youtube or some movies...
1. Watch a video/movie scene you have seen before with either humans or human-like beings that have vibrant facial expressions. Rewatch it with the sound muted, and pay close attention to how each person is expressing themselves with their bodies and faces: look at which facial expressions and body movements correspond to which emotions.
2. Watch a new video/movie scene you have never seen before with the audio off. Look at the facial expressions, body movements, and figure out the emotions of the scene (and as a bonus, figure out the story, too). Play the video again with the audio on and see if the emotions matched. If not, start again with another video.
3. Watch a new video/move scene you have never seen before with the visuals off. Listen carefully to the voices and imagine how the speakers faces and bodies look. Replay the video and watch the visuals, and see if your expected emotions matched the scene. If not, do it again. If it matched, you passed. Feel free to do the exercise more than once.

Exercise 7 - Listening Hunt: The ultimate social skill honing exercise, this will build your listening, conversation initiation, and friend-making skills. This will take three-four hours to complete, and you'll need a notepad and pen/pencil. Do it more than once to truly build social confidence...
1. Go to a public place and strike up a conversation with five strangers. While you're doing this, please pay attention to their eye color. When you're done log down the eye colors of the five people you talked to. If you couldn't remember, start over. Don't cheat: this is to get you to look people in the eyes when you talk to people.
2. Either move to a new place or stay in the one you're in and find five more strangers to talk to. This time, get their names. Use their name at least three times in the conversation (not all at once, but spread it out over the conversation). When you're done, write down the five names of the people you talked to. If you can't remember any of them, start over. Again, don't cheat: this is to help you remember people's names.
3. You have one more hour to do this: find five more strangers and strike up conversations with them, but get both their eye color AND names AND one of their favorite topics. When you're done, write down their names, eye colors, and favorite topics.
4. BONUS: You have an additional hour to strike up a conversation with someone, get their name, eye color, and topic of interest, but now there's an added twist: if you really enjoyed talking to the person and you both think you should talk again, get the other person's contact info (Skype, phone number, etc.).

Assuming you read the entire article so far, I hope your confidence with dealing with people has grown greatly. Feel free to leave questions or comments below, and I'll respond to them as soon as I can (and perhaps update any sections that sound confusion or contain errors).

Good luck in all of your future social endeavors,
-Spaztique

Works cited:
-Walter Anderson - "The Confidence Course"
-Nicholas Boothman - "How to make someone like you in 30 seconds or less"
-Don Gabor - "How to start a conversation and make friends"
-Les Giblin - "How to have confidence and power in dealing with people"
-John M. Gottman - "The Relationship Cure"
-Matthew McKay, Ph.D - "Messages"
-Dale Carnegie - "How To Win Friends and Influence People"